


The One Where Merlin Will Eventually Weaponize A Dildo

by ilokheimsins



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Bottom Eggsy Unwin, Eggsy works in a sex toy shop, F/M, M/M, Sex Toys, implied bottom harry, merlin is long suffering, side of percilot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-26 21:47:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12067608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilokheimsins/pseuds/ilokheimsins
Summary: Eggsy works in a sex toy shop, Harry buys way too many dildos in way too short a time span, Merlin is not very helpful, and Roxy saves the day.  Or at least saves Harry from himself.





	The One Where Merlin Will Eventually Weaponize A Dildo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elletromil](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elletromil/gifts).



> My fill for the Summer 2017 Kingsman Secret Santa for [elletromil](http://archiveofourown.org/users/elletromil/pseuds/elletromil).
> 
> Her prompt was: 
> 
> Pining!Harry getting together fic. Harry Hart is smooth talker and no one can resists him... On missions. When he's truly interested in someone, he doesn't quite know where to start and his attempts at flirting are often mistaken for anything else. He usually doesn't bother because of this, but he really loves Eggsy and really wants to share his life with him. Eggsy is of course also in love, but he mistakes whatever Harry is doing to try and woo him for friendship or something, so he keeps his mouth shut.
> 
> BUT. They also said the following:
> 
> Or seriously just anything that is a getting together fic with lots of mutual pining and a happy ending.
> 
> Any rating is good. Any pairing and side pairing is a-okay with me as long as Harry and Eggsy are together (even if they are together in a poly-way). Any characters goes.
> 
> AND. They used the sex toys tag and my brain absolutely refused to let go of that so here we are.

Harry ducks into the first shop he comes across that has displays blocking the view into the store.  He doesn’t register what’s on the shelves until he’s deep into the displays and comes face to face with a shelf of cocks and the most gorgeous boy he’s ever seen, who’s holding six of them – all luridly bright in color – in his arms.

“I, um,” Harry stutters, trying to get out that he doesn’t come here often, that he’s here for a place to hide. He’s admittedly distracted by the neon cocks in the boy’s arms.

The boy just gives Harry a onceover, a very thorough one, that makes Merlin whistle.

“Boy’s got it for you, though I don’t know why he would,” Merlin says, clearly sounding like he’s smirking.

“Wouldn’t think someone like you would need a fake dick or cunt,” the boy says conversationally.

“I’m not, I, it,” Harry stammers.

He doesn’t get his point out because there’s shouting in front of the store, heavily accented English thick with anger, and he swears, whipping his head around to scan for a suitable hiding place.

“Friends?” The boy asks knowingly, tipping his head towards the shopfront.

“Is one friends with those who’re trying to kill them?” Harry muses.

“Yeah, I got a coupla those, too,” the boy shrugs, “this way.”

He leads Harry over to the cashier’s counter, which is displaying some rather tasteful handcuffs.  He drops the dildos onto the glass display top and motions for Harry to come around.  Harry catches the boy’s name tag just as he’s shuffled into the dark wedge of space underneath the tilted velvet.

“Just be quiet, yeah?  I’ll get rid of them,” Eggsy, if his name tag is correct, promises.  And then he shuts the back of the display case and sends Harry into darkness.

He can still hear though, which is how he knows that his pursuers have entered the shop.  One of them storms up to the counter and demands, in a snarl, if Eggsy has seen a man enter the shop.

“I dunno, bruv,” Eggsy says casually.  There’s a bit of a thump which is likely his elbows coming down on the display case for him to cradle his chin in his hands.  “You’re gonna have to be more specific.  We get a lot of men in here.  You’d be surprised how many guys stop by actually.  We also got a lot of man parts too, if you get my drift.”

“A tall one,” Eggsy’s opponent grits out.

“A tall man or a tall dick?”

“What are you insinuating?” Is what gets growled out in response.

“…Yeah, clearly you dunno what you’re looking for,” Eggsy says.  “May I suggest our pocket pussies?  They have a good, soft texture to them and they flip inside out for easy cleaning.”

There’s a hard thump and something slams into the display case just next to Harry’s ear, which is clearly his cue to jump out and rescue Eggsy.  The only problem is that his position doesn’t give him very much leverage to push sideways and there’s the added weight of Eggsy on the other side, which doesn’t help at all.

“Woah, calm down mate.  There’s cameras everywhere, so unless you want this to go to the coppers, you’ll get the fuck off and get the fuck out,” Eggsy snaps out.

Something in quick, angry Russian is spit at Eggsy, but the footsteps retreat and then the bell over the door jangles again as they finally exit.  Eggsy putters around a bit more, likely pretending to look busy in case they try to burst in again.

“Resourceful lad,” Merlin murmurs thoughtfully.

“You’re not turning this into a potential hideout,” Harry whispers.

Merlin hums noncommittally and Harry sighs.  It’s another long stretch of time before the door to the display case finally opens and Eggsy peers in.

“You doing alright in there?”

“Could be better,” Harry replies truthfully, “I’m not quite as young as I used to be and cramped spaces aren’t as nice as they used to be.”

He takes Eggsy’s proffered hand and uses it to shimmy himself out of the tight space.  His back pops as he unfolds himself out of the space and he lets out a quiet groan of relief as it does.  Harry stands there awkwardly behind the cashier’s counter, hand still clasped in Eggsy’s, and clears his throat and asks, incredibly suave, “So which of these is your favorite then?”

***

“And then you bought it,” Merlin repeats, completely deadpan as James howls with laughter.

“I may have purchased it, yes,” Harry says stiffly.  He ignores the way James is clutching his stomach and his laughter has died into the sort that’s more wheezing gasps for air than real sound.  Percival ignores his husband with ease of long practice and flips a page in his magazine.

“So,” Merlin says, “to be completely clear, you got this twenty-four year old to walk you through his favorite toys in the store, culminating in his clear favorite, which you then purchased with absolutely no intention of using.”

“I intend to use it,” Harry says and pours himself another finger of whiskey.

“Harry, you may have size, but you’re not a size queen, not by any stretch of the imagination,” Merlin tells him somberly, as if he’s imparting unwelcome news.

“It’s not like it matters,” Harry says.  “It’s not like I’m going to see him again.”

***

But, of course, because karma is a terrible, horrible, no good bitch (and really Harry should know better than to tempt her) he runs into Eggsy two days later while wielding the dildo as a club.

“Ohhhh, Haz, that’s really not how you use it,” Eggsy’s disappointed voice comes from the mouth of the alleyway and Harry looks up from bludgeoning his opponent.

“A moment, if you would, Eggsy,” he says and then smashes the cock down, sending his opponent spinning into the wall with a crack.  He wipes off the smudge of blood at his lip, straightens his suit, and spins neatly on his heel to walk over to Eggsy.

“You gonna hide that or nah?” Eggsy nods at the dick in Harry’s hand.

“Ah,” Harry looks down at it forlornly.

“Here, you can put it in my backpack,” Eggsy shrugs his bag off and unzips it, offering the pack to Harry, who gingerly slips the dildo in.

Eggsy zips it back up and starts walking, making a space for Harry at his side.  Harry falls into step next to him and they meander down the street.  Harry makes the mistake of looking down and, before he’s able to stop himself, exclaims, “Good god, what sort of an abomination are those?”

“Cool, ain’t they?” Eggsy says, smiling cheekily.  He waggles a foot at Harry, the wing tapping against Harry’s leg even though his foot never touches.

“Dear god,” Merlin says, horrified, in Harry’s ear.

“Did you lose a bet?” Harry asks.

Eggsy looks at him askance, a soft smile on his face, “Nah, it’s fashion, innit.  At least if you’re from where I’m from.”

They come up on the Mews and Harry stops walking.  It takes Eggsy a few more steps to notice but he jogs back, eyebrows raised in question.

“I, uh, live this way,” Harry says, an invitation to come in on the tip of his tongue.

“Ohhh, neat,” Eggsy says and retrieves the dildo from his backpack.  He passes it to Harry, who swears he sees Mrs. Gladstone from two doors down peering through her curtains.  He sighs, that’ll have tongues wagging before the day is through.

“I gotta go,” Eggsy tells him, gesturing vaguely with one shoulder.  “Still got work and all.”

“Yes, good,” Harry says.

Eggsy raises his eyebrows and shrugs his backpack back on.

“Guess I’ll be seeing you again though, seeing as that’s probably not useful anymore,” Eggsy says and nods at the dildo in Harry’s hand.

He’s trying to think up a good response when Eggsy sneaks a glance at his watch and swears.

“Shit, gonna be late if I don’t run for it,” he says apologetically.  “Seeya Harry!”

He’s sprinting down the block before Harry can even reply.

***

Merlin’s office has decidedly more people in it than normal when Harry finally gets around to dropping off his equipment.

“—very nice.  Gave us a discount on sounds after we mentioned we were Harry’s friends,” James is telling Merlin when Harry pushes the door open.

His eyes narrow immediately and Percy points at James before Harry can ask.

“Ah, Harry!  Your boy is a dear,” James tells him.  “Absolute darling.  Very knowledgeable about the sorts of things one can put in a cock, put on a cock, and put a cock in.”

“You went to the store?  How did you even find it?”

“Really, Harry,” James shakes his head, face a moue of disappointment, “we’re spies.”

Percy elbows him.

“Also we bothered Merlin until he told us,” James says, rolling his eyes affectionately at his husband.

“He figured out we work with you,” Percy contributes and goes back to cleaning his equipment.

“Oh?”

“Good sense, that one,” Merlin says and spins around in his chair.  “Though it’s probably because they don’t get many fancy suits through there.”

“Clearly not a good hideout then,” Harry says.  “If suits are so rare, we’d stand out immediately.”

“Or get mistaken for high class pervs,” James chips in.

“James,” Percy says and slots his gun back together.

“Yes, dear.”

***

“Need a new one already?” Eggsy says, smirking as the store’s welcome bell jangles incriminatingly over Harry’s head.

“Hmm, well, you did see what happened to the last one,” Harry says.

“Yeah,” Eggsy agrees, “wouldn’t have thought you were hiding all that kung fu under that suit.”

His eyes go meandering down the long line of Harry’s body, lingering on his crotch before dragging back up.

“Um,” Harry says and manfully resists the urge to tug at his collar.  The nape of his neck is suddenly sweaty and is the store hotter than the last time he was in here?  He sneaks a peak at the thermometer.

“If you’re really into…thick things, we just got some new ones in,” Eggsy says, smiling lasciviously.

“It’s not for me,” Harry blurts out and watches Eggsy’s expression retreat into a more professional one.

“Yeah, right, should have figured that,” he says dully.

“I do want one.  For me.  Smaller though.  My body is not quite up to the, ah, challenge of such a large one,” Harry says and wants the floor to open up beneath him.  Maybe if he asks nicely, Merlin will electrocute him through the glasses.

“Yeah, over there,” Eggsy says, pointing to the corner where Harry had first encountered him.

“Perhaps you could give me some advice?”

“I got inventory to do,” Eggsy says and disappears into the back room.

***

Roxy’s back from Germany when he gets back to HQ, forlornly holding the black bag that holds his repurchase of Eggsy’s favorite cock and nothing else.  She’s feeding Merlin genuine German Baumkuchen and kissing the crumbs off him between bites.  They both look up when Harry slinks into Merlin’s office and collapses dramatically into the squashy armchair.

“I saw what happened.  That was horrible,” Roxy tells him.  “What happened to your suave and debonair seduction?”

“Harry’s actually terrible around people he likes,” Merlin informs her and allows her to feed him another forkful of cake.

“Seriously?”

“He once spilled an entire decanter of 1976 brandy on Dagonet, back when Dagonet was still an agent.”

“I did not!” Harry exclaims, but refuses to actually move enough to get properly huffy about Merlin telling Roxy.

“I think Dagonet was more upset about the loss of the brandy than getting splashed,” Merlin continues, ignoring Harry’s dramatics with ease.

“Oooo, do you have a picture?” Roxy says and takes her own bite of cake.

“I do, I think,” Merlin says.  A quick search brings up a scan of a polaroid that has Harry looking properly horrified, holding a crystal decanter, and a young Dagonet, nearly unrecognizable from the man puttering about behind the store counter nowadays, looking mournfully at his shirt.

“This is slander,” Harry says, “you’re tarnishing my good name.”

“Your good name is practically blackened at this point,” Merlin retorts.  “It certainly doesn’t need me to tarnish it.”

“But anyway,” Roxy interjects before the two of them can really gain steam, “what about the sex shop boy?”

“He’s not a boy,” Harry tells her indignantly.  “He’s a lovely young man.”

“A lovely young man that thinks you’ve got a lover you’re using that enormous silicone cock on,” Roxy points out.

“Is that what he thinks?” Harry gapes at her in shock.

Roxy rolls her eyes, “You told him it wasn’t for you.  What else is he going to think?  Most people aren’t going around buying a cock for their best friends.”

“He at least likes you,” she says after a minute more of Harry boggling at her.  “He did seem upset after it sounded like you might have a lover.”

“But James bought me a plug for my forty fifth birthday,” Harry says faintly.

“I’m not sure dad’s the greatest example of normality here,” Roxy tells him, completely unhelpful.

“For god’s sake, go be a moping drama queen somewhere else.  I do not need this shit excuse for a tantrum clogging up my air,” Merlin says.  “Here, take a slice of cake with you and leave.”

“You just want me to leave so you can shag Roxy over the console counter,” Harry accuses, but he accepts the slice of cake Merlin shoves at him.

“No, I want you to leave so Roxy can shag me over the console counter,” Merlin corrects, completely shameless.  “Now out before I decide to send you to the arse end of Russia.”

***

The next time Harry meanders on through the shop, it’s half because he wants to see Eggsy and half because it turns out Merlin was serious about making the shop a hideout.  So Harry is on a reconnaissance mission of sorts and if he happens to see Eggsy, so much the better.

Unfortunately, it’s not Eggsy who’s manning the cash register today but a young blonde woman with her hair in a high ponytail.  Her nametag proclaims her to be Tilde and Harry keeps his eyes firmly on her face as he sidles over to the counter.  She gives him the same appreciative onceover Eggsy did and leans forward, displaying her svelte collarbones and tucking her arms together to form a deep cleavage line.

Harry gives it a quick skim – she has after all gone to the effort of trying to attract him – and asks, “Is Eggsy in today?”

Her seduction drops instantly and is replaced by the easygoing persona of one who’s far enough in life to realize when they’re not what the other person finds attractive and is completely alright with it.  She clicks her fingers along the counter and gives him a more thorough look.

“I don’t know if I want to tell you,” she says finally.

“It’s nothing strange,” Harry tries to reassure her.

“Oh,” Tilde says flippantly, waving one hand like she’s waving the words away, “I did not think it was.  I think I know who you are and I don’t know if I want to tell you about Eggsy.”

“Where are they hiring these people?” Merlin huffs.  “They all have such good insight.  I want them all.”

Harry doesn’t bother shushing him, letting Merlin prattle on about hiring standards these days and how Kingsman could source from outside the upper class of chinless wonders.  He does keep eye contact with Tilde though, because he has a feeling that whoever looks away first is going to lose this, whatever this is.  But he’s also got the feeling that Tilde won’t tell him about Eggsy so he asks her for the next best thing.

“Can you just tell him that Harry came by?  And that the cock was for a friend who knew it fit perfectly into her harness for use on her lover?”

Tilde looks mollified by his words and it’s not completely a lie at all.  Roxy had raided his bag and found the cock, which wasn’t hard given that it was the only item in there, and declared it perfect for her harness and stolen it from him promptly.

“I suppose I will,” Tilde says.  “Now are you going to buy anything?”

***

Harry ends up with another of Eggsy’s favorite, a fancy motion activated contraption that dispenses lube, and a complementary pack of flavored condoms.  He drops all of it at home before going back to HQ because the last thing he needs is someone else taking the damned cock from him.

He opens the door to the Merlin department and promptly closes it.  Then, Harry takes a deep, calming breath and assures himself that what he saw was an utter hallucination and opens the door again.  It’s immediately clear that he wasn’t hallucinating because the cock – Eggsy’s favorite – is standing in all its veiny, giant balled glory in the middle of the Merlin department’s snack table.  What’s much weirder is the way the techies seem completely unaffected by it, reaching around it to grab snacks like it’s merely a mild inconvenience in the way.

Harry wonders briefly if any of them know where that cock has been and if they would react the same way if they knew.  And then he shrugs because it’s entirely possible that they would continue to not notice it.  He steps gingerly around the table and then quickly deems retrieval of the dildo to be way too conspicuous to attempt.

The flow of techies separates and reforms around him as he picks his way over to Merlin’s office.  He opens the door and immediately slams it shut, pushing his glasses up to rub at his eyes.  The door opens a crack a few moments later, Roxy grinning sheepishly at him through it.  She’s thrown on one of Merlin’s shirts for the moment and Harry sighs down at her before easing his way through the door while minimizing how far it has to open.

“You couldn’t have waited until after my reconnaissance report?” He asks and picks a biscuit off the tin on the little table by the door.

“You’re always late,” Merlin says primly as if he isn’t only wearing boxer briefs and socks.  “I was expecting you to be late.”

“I am late,” Harry says and nods at the neon green numbers on one of the screens.

“You’re approximately twelve and a half minutes earlier than your usual average tardiness,” Merlin tells him.

“How was the shop visit?” Roxy pipes up to ask.  She’s relocated to lounging on her stomach on the couch, face propped up in her hands and feet kicking back and forth in the air.

“He wasn’t there,” Harry tells her.  “On the other hand, as Merlin saw, they have some incredibly astute employees.”

“Excellent,” Merlin says gleefully and Harry can almost see him rub together his hands and cackle.

“Did you clear up the lover thing at least?” Roxy asks.

“I did tell the young lady at the counter to tell Eggsy the cock was for you and Merlin.”

“Ohhh, good one,” Roxy nods approvingly.  “If it’s a couples present it’ll go over way better.  No one gives their single friends dildos if they’re not trying to fuck them.”

“Speaking of your present,” Harry says, “Hamish, do your minions know it was up your arse before it graced their snack table?”

***

Roxy accompanies Harry the next time he hits up the shop.  The bell jangles over them as they step in out of the rain and Eggsy looks up at them, his expression going flat when his eyes land on Roxy.  She shakes off her brolly and puts it in the convenient container by the door before beelining for Eggsy, who looks like he’s about to bolt for the backroom again.

“I’m Roxanne,” she says, sticking her hand out for Eggsy to shake.  “But call me Roxy.  I was wondering if you could recommend me a few more toys.  Hamish loves the one Harry gave us but I was thinking of something smaller, maybe one he could keep in all day.”

“Oh,” Eggsy says dumbly.  And then he smiles, “Oh!  Yeah, for sure.”

“And she cleared that right up for you,” Merlin says approvingly.  “That’s my girl.  I’m signing off now.  Percival has an actual mission, unlike the desperate pining happening here.”

“I’m not pining,” Harry murmurs.

“You’re one step away from being an actual pinecone,” Merlin tells him and then clicks off.

Eggsy practically bounces back over from where he’s left Roxy, which is in front of a wall of what looks to be vibrating plugs.

“So, present for Rox and her man, was it?” He inquires tentatively, looking up at Harry through his lashes.

“I did say I wasn’t one for the size myself,” Harry reminds him.

“Yeah, guess you did,” Eggsy shrugs.  “If I’d known it was a gift for friends, woulda told you we have a gift wrapping option.”

“I’ll keep that in mind for next time,” Harry says.  “I have quite a few friends who would appreciate gifts from here.”

“Lots of different kinds of gift wrapping,” Eggsy continues.  “We can wrap up just about anything.  Tie it off too.  Bows, knots, I’m great at both.”

He’s biting his lower lip as he continues to look up at Harry.  It’s a very pretty picture and if Harry didn’t know that this were a sex toy shop, he might have dipped in for a kiss.  But as it is, Eggsy’s innocently seductive face is probably designed to draw people in to sell toys.

“You do have nimble fingers,” Harry agrees.  Eggsy looks mildly frustrated and then seems to gather himself.

“So you buying up anything today?  If you let me know what you like, I can find you something,” Eggsy says, leaning in.

“Ah, I think I’m quite good,” Harry says.

“Well, I’m ready to buy,” Roxy butts in with an armload of things.

“I’ll ring you up,” Eggsy says and leads her over to the register.  Roxy gives Harry an exasperated look over her shoulder that clearly conveys they’ll be speaking about how he’s fucked up after she pays for her findings.

She slings her arm around Harry’s after Eggsy rings her up and practically drags him out of the shop.

“He was mugging at you,” she says, all but throwing her hands up in the air, as soon as they’re a block away from the shop.

“He was not,” Harry tells her.  He’ll have to talk to her handlers about that, perhaps sign her up for a refresher course on body language.  It’s clear that she needs one if she thinks Eggsy was flirting with him.

“Oh my goooooood,” she rolls her eyes so hard Harry fears they might stick.  But she recovers and waves her hand, “Fine, fine.  What was he doing in the shop?”

“He bit his lip,” Harry answers.

“Like bit through it?  Or just kind of put his teeth on his lip.”

“The second one,” Harry says.

Roxy grabs his tie and reels him in.

“Harry.  Fucking.  Hart.  He was mugging at you.  You march back in there and offer to take him out to dinner and then back to yours to sit either on your cock or the one everyone knows you bought the last time you were here.”

“He’s going to reject me.”

“Go,” Roxy orders and points viciously at the shop.

Harry does a quick about face and absolutely does not flee from Roxy, who’s evidently inherited many of the terrifying quirks Percival possesses.  He jangles back through the shop door and Eggsy perks up at the counter when he sees who it is.

“Back for more, hm?”

“Roxy is terrifying,” Harry tells him in lieu of an answer.

“Yeah, I figured,” Eggsy tells him.  “Most birds I know turn out to be.  Knew she probably weren’t much different.”

“Would you like dinner?” Harry blurts out before he can stop himself.  “With me.  I mean.  A dinner with me.”

“Huh?”

“Would you have dinner with me?  And then I have a very nice seat for you afterwards,” Harry says and promptly wants to die.

“Oh, my word, Harry,” James says in his ear, affecting a scandalized nobleman.  Harry resists the urge to tell him to shut up, instead reaching up to adjust his glasses and swiping the mute button in the process.

Eggsy’s eyes narrow as they assess him and then a mischievous smile slowly breaks across his face.

“The seat your face or your dick?”

“Both, either, whatever you want.  I also have your favorite cock.”

“Hmmm, big words.  I ain’t even seen it yet and you’re already saying it’s my favorite.”

“No,” Harry says, desperately trying to salvage the situation.  “Your cock.  The one that I’ve bought three times now.”

“Oh?” Eggsy is clearly delighting in Harry’s awkwardness now.  He’s even settled his elbows onto the counter for comfort while he watches the show.

“No one else has used it,” Harry tells him and then turns around to walk himself out of this shop and hopefully into the nearest fresh grave because there’s no recovering from this.

“Wait, wait, Harry, dinner sounds amazing,” Eggsy says just as Harry opens the door.

“Pardon?” Harry asks, not quite believing what he’s hearing, what with James screeching with laughter right next to his ear.

“Dinner,” Eggsy says slowly and points between them, “you, me, today.  After I get off work.”

“Oh,” Harry says dumbly.

“Yeah,” Eggsy smiles brightly, “oh.”

***

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuck,” Eggsy moans and mashes his face into the pillow he’s currently got a death grip on.

“That is the idea,” Harry muses and gives the dildo another deep, slow grind.  Eggsy jerks and his cock slaps against his stomach, drooling over the carved-out abs.

“Thought the point was you was gonna fuck me, not a cock I sit on every night anyway,” Eggsy huffs out and nearly howls when Harry sets up a fast-paced fuck as punishment for his cheek.

“I will,” Harry tells him mildly.  “But I’m really not as young as I used to be and you need quite a few more rounds than I do.”

Eggsy garbles at him and seizes up, taut as a drawn bowstring, as he comes.  Harry reaches down and strokes his cock, which sends Eggsy clawing at the bedsheets and his head thumping back into the pillows.

“Haz, no, can’t, fuck,” he pants out.

“Come on, darling boy,” Harry coaxes and adds a wicked twist of his hand against the head of Eggsy’s cock.

Eggsy swears, filthier than any sailor Harry has ever known, but his cock, which had slowly started to soften, gets harder.

“Good lord, Eggsy, where on earth did you learn this language,” Harry asks.

“Shove a cactus where the sun don’t shine and spin on it,” Eggsy tells him and weakly clamps his legs around Harry.

“Delightful,” Harry says dryly, one eyebrow raised.

“You said you was gonna fuck me,” Eggsy repeats.

“Very well, Eggsy,” Harry pulls the dildo out and before Eggsy can start swearing at him again, takes his own cock in hand and pushes in.

***

When Harry walks into the mansion the next day, he’s quickly joined by James on one side and Merlin on the other.

“So,” James says, ever so nonchalant.  But Harry knows better.  The more James sounds like he could be talking about the weather, the more horrifically embarrassing the topic.

“Just get it over with,” Harry says.

“Really now, Harry, do you think so little of me?” James pouts ferociously, a look that not even his husband finds persuasive.

“Yes,” Harry answers easily.

“Well, I never,” James sniffs, feigning offense.  “I was only going to say that you clearly didn’t need the toys Eggsy sells.  You seemed quite alright going for round three.”

“What, I,” Harry splutters, caught off guard for once by James’ remark.

“You left your glasses on on the bedside table,” Merlin informs him.  “You’re on a mission to Mombasa, by the way, in return for soiling my eyes with your pale arse.”

“Fuck you too, Hamish,” Harry says mildly as he accepts the dossier.

***

It’s been several weeks since Harry came back from Mombasa, carting approximately twenty pounds of sand wedged in every crevice of his body.  It had taken multiple showers before the water ran clean, Eggsy giggling at him all the while as he “helped” Harry soap up.  Though he’d been very adamant that Harry be completely clean before they put anything anywhere that might not enjoy sand in the equation, namely Harry and Eggsy’s arses.

It’s been several weeks and it’s been a fucking dream.  Eggsy is insatiable and as much as James likes to rib about Harry’s sudden wealth of sexual stamina, he’s still not a match for someone Eggsy’s age.  Which is why it’s excellent that Eggsy has an extensive collection of toys that Harry can use.

They’ve also done things outside of the bedroom.  They took a stop off at several museums across a couple dates, several of them including Eggsy’s little sister.  They’d even gone to froyo, which Eggsy had said was the epitome of a millennial date.

All to say that Harry Hart, with his life experience and his lovely dream these past few weeks, should have no fucking problem stepping into the sex shop he’s currently shuffling about in front of.

“For god’s sake, Harry, just go in already,” Merlin snaps out.  He’s typing furiously on the other end and Harry hears the rumble of his wheelie chair and Merlin’s voice fades to bark orders at his minions before coming back.

“What if he hates me?”

“Harry, you’re a daft nimpty.  The boy looks at you like you fart glitter,” Merlin growls out and yells for more coffee.

“What if he thinks I’ve lied to him?”

“Harry I will send you to Antarctica if you don’t get in there and stop making my life harder,” Merlin threatens.

“I’m going,” Harry says sulkily and drags his feet towards the door.  “But not because you’re threatening me with Antarctica.”

“I don’t care as long as you’re going,” Merlin says and then roars, away from the microphone, “Bors!!  DO NOT BLOW UP THE TAJ MAHAL.”

“Eggsy?” Harry says as he hesitantly steps into the shop.  Even the bell sounds ominous as it jangles above him.

“Stock room, babe,” Eggsy’s voice is muffled by the thick velvet curtain that separates the back room from the rest of the store.  Tilde flutters her fingers in a lazy hello from her position at the counter.  She’s poring over a porn mag with absolutely no regard to who sees, which seems apt given the current location.

Harry stalks over and pushes the curtain back.  He takes a deep steadying breath and says, as fast as he can without it seeming odd, “I’m a spy, darling.”

Eggsy just keeps counting bottles of lube and says, “I know, Harry.”

“What,” Harry says.

“What,” Merlin echoes.

“Yeah,” Eggsy shrugs and jots down a number.  He tucks his pen behind his ear and looks up at Harry, who’s gaping down at him somewhat.  “Harry, babe, you ko’d someone with a cock the second time I saw you.  Of course you were a spy or police or something.  And since I’ve actually seen your arse go into that tailor shop, you weren’t a copper or nothing.”

“Oh,” Harry says faintly.

“You need a sit?” Eggsy asks helpfully and shoves the other stool towards Harry with his foot.

“Ah, yes.  That.  That would be good,” Harry says, sinking onto the stool woodenly.

“Mmhmm,” Eggsy hums and goes back to counting inventory.

“Well, I suppose that makes this easier then.  Merlin wants to know if he can make this a safehouse of some sort,” Harry says finally.

Eggsy looks up from a box of love eggs, his eyebrows high, and smirks.

“Spies is a depraved lot, ain’t you.  Elsewise, why do you wanna put a hideout in a sex shop,” he says, leering at Harry all the while.  “Yeah, sure.  You gotta ask Tilde though.  She’s the one who actually owns this place.”

“Ah, Roxy is on the job on that front,” Harry informs him.

“Ooooh, Rox is a good choice.  She and Tilde get on like a house on fire,” Eggsy agrees, nodding sagely.  He closes up the box of love eggs, ticks off his sheet and then moves onto a box of fake cunts.

Harry watches him do inventory and nearly falls asleep to the methodical sound of clicking plastic and pen across paper.

“Ey, Haz?”

“Mm?” Harry mumbles.

“You think you could make one of these cocks fire lasers?”

“Eggsy,” Harry sighs, though he can’t quite keep the affection out of his voice.  “Eggsy, no."


End file.
